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Learning to Love: The Early Stages

Learning how to love is the goal and the purpose of spiritual life — not learning how to develop psychic powers, not learning how to bow, chant, do yoga, or even meditate, but learning to love

Lama Surya Das in Awakening to the Sacred says: “Learning how to love is the goal and the purpose of spiritual life — not learning how to develop psychic powers, not learning how to bow, chant, do yoga, or even meditate, but learning to love . Love is the truth. Love is the light.”

Most of us place so much concern and worry around ‘finding the right partner’ (and more often than it finding the right partner by a certain date that our biological clocks seems to determines); that when it actually happens and we want to move forward with the relationship, we find ourselves unprepared.

For any relationship to evolve naturally into the next step, we need to become aware of own behavioural patterns from the start and learn how to integrate that person as well as being in a relationship into our lives. This integration takes place when we move forward steadily.

Maintaining balance as a relationship unfolds allows us to reflect on it objectively and helps to keep our fingers ‘on the pulse’. We are able then to gauge are feelings, emotions, and needs as well as those of our partner’s in a grounded , practical way and can respond to changes as and when they occur.

This also means we do not need to give up anything in order to maintain the person we found! Think of it like constructing a house: for a sound structure, you need to lay a strong foundation, and then move upwards one floor at a time (of course prefab buildings are another story)!

This is because, whether you are aware of it not, every new state or change in our lives; such as having a partner, a new job, moving to a new home, or whatever it may be, takes some getting used to before we are able to leap, and in deed cope with, the next.

During this ‘getting used to’ stage our personal ‘energetic’ pattern (a matrix of our soul, belief/emotional system, and body) is able to adjust, realign, and expand accommodating this new change, or integrating it, into our current personal dynamic.

It is during this time also that we can become aware of what does not harmoniously fit, because with every step, we and our expectations change. Move too quickly or too slowly, you’ll offset this harmony and if not careful, and step right into a painful relationship.

Dear Sahar,

I am very insecure in my relationship, how can I be less clingy?

Patricia Jade,

Leeds.Age 32

Dear Patricia,

Facing the problem is half way to finding the solution! By doing so you recognise that there is a personal behavioural pattern that is out of alignment within you – namely feeling insecure. In other words, you need to address the issues within before you can begin to see changes in your relationship. Becoming aware of your feelings is a good pace to start.

Only you can make yourself feel more secure – not your partner. It may be that you are seeing attention, love, even companionships from external factors, without first building a strong foundation within yourself.

You have to learn to enjoy your own company, approve of yourself, pamper, love and nurture yourself first; then others can begin to do the same. In fact, when you have learnt to nurture your own emotional needs, you will successfully build a strong emotional foundation of inner security and calm.

A good way to describe it is self-approval, only you can give it and then you don’t have to look to others to give it to you. Then you can progress to the next level and enjoy your relationship in a much deeper and meaningful way.

Love and light

© Copyright Sahar Huneidi

About Sahar Huneidi-Palmer (83 Articles)
Author, Columnist, Holistic Therapist & Personal Mentor helping my clients achieve a happy fulfilled life since 1992. I am a published poet and play the piano. My friends and those who know me describe me as a “wise woman” and a "pathfinder". I am passionate about demystifying the abstract, writing, teaching, podcasting, and love Turkish coffee!

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